Words to live by...
"This above all: to thine own self be true."
-William Shakespeare, HAMLET
"Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of time."
-Tiffanie DeBartolo, 'Dream for an Insomniac'
"No day but today."
-Jonathan Larson, RENT
"It's alright it's ok
Welcome to this life
Don't worry sweet baby
Cuz it's over before you know"
-Leah Andreone, 'It's Alright It's OK'
"Nothing in the world is weaker than water,
But it has no better in overcoming the hard."
"Name me the final number."
-Yevgeny Zamyatin, We
Some beautiful people...
"In the quest for knowledge through experiences, the soul becomes fragile."
"Funny how hard it is to convey satire to crackwhores."
-The Tubby Parcel
"I'm going to be one of those hermits who talks to her cat and lives in huge paranoia and doesn't sleep."
"There is no true Right or Wrong.
No absolute Good or Evil.
No Truth... No Lies.
No Black or White.
Everything is relative, perceived.
There are Just Shades of Grey."
"...the only stupid or unreasonable mindset is one that is prematurely closed."
"There was a point to this story, but the narrator lost it somewhere along the way."
"The hues that color the myriad worlds of the imagination are so vivid, so compelling that all too often mere 'reality' can't compete."
"Soon enough, my armies of flying monkeys, toasters, and the undead will march upon an unsuspecting world. Well, I suppose the monkeys will fly. No use in having flying monkeys and having them march like the rest of the cannon fodder."
"sometimes i think that it's the noise stars make that keeps me awake at night."
"for the desperate attempts i have made to feel content, i must now stop. i can not live, blurred."
"Why did I get a tattoo on my wrist? So I won't slash them! I'd hate to ruin the tattoo."
"There's a lot of silence I want to say."
"A desire runs in your blood, while a need causes that blood to run."
But I'd rather support your smile."
"I like guacamole, too. But not as much as Gandalf."
"as you trace the outline of your feet on the ground, it suddenly occurs to you how bloody human you are. you look at yourself as though you haven't done so before. and then you begin a thorough exploration of self"
"Interesting fact: Most tropical marine fish could survive in a tank of wild urban-jungle monkey blood.
But I personally wouldn't recommend trying it."
"i'm an equal opportunity insulter."
All works and material on this blog are © ME 2005 unless otherwise specified.
In the digital age, you can seal your fate with the click of a button.
Events which occured hundreds of years ago have put me where I am today. Have put you where you are today. The advantages and disadvantages given to you and me at birth were determined way before we were conceived.
An idea turned the fate of this nation. A plane destroyed years of security and well-being.
An entire semester is reduced to a single letter, and an academic career turned into a number.
A person is reduced to a statistic.
A life is consolidated into a number.
Are you a number? Or is your life worth more than that?
I am not a number. Whatever I do with this life, I want to be worth more than the sum of my parts. Some aspects of my life were determined before my creation, but my life is my own. I will determine the rest of it.
Some would say there are no choices, that destiny is decided. Some would reduce the entirety of creation to a single figure.
A life is not a number. A person is made up of so many words and colors and memories and glances and sighs and ideas. And yes, numbers. Many, many numbers.
If you hit someone enough, if you hit and kick and stab and abuse someone, they are going to lash out. With every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You can't expect to hit someone and not get hit in return. If you bash in a brain, if you hit it and abuse it and deny enough, those ideas, those memories, those colors are going to fade.
We all end. Whatever you do, you will one day cease to exist.
Without purpose, a hand is only a thing. Without meaning, a thing is only an object in space. An object breaks down in time; eventually, it is all dust. Nothing lasts forever. But ideas, memories, colors, numbers, they last if they're recorded. A memory passed on becomes another memory--new and different, but preserved. Immortal. In the end, we only live on through what we've done with the time we're given.
I don't know what I'll do, what I'm doing. I only know I am one. And I will do what I can with what I've been given.
Posted at 06:42 pm by FNInsomniac
It starts out small; little things that work their way in and begin to jab, to hurt. And my stupid, obsessive brain begins to cycle those little things through, round and around, and those little things get bigger and they consume my thoughts until there is such a noise that I can't hear anything new, anything good. After that, everything is colored by those stupid little things that I keep working around, and it becomes a physical pain that sets into the core of me. I get the urge to replace food with alcohol; self-medication to dull the pain. It's a hard urge to fight.
I'd hate to say it's the weather; I really do love the rain. Of course, I might love it because it matches my natural melancholy. It does remind me of some of my lowest lows, when I didn't have to cry because the sky did it for me. I'm not that girl anymore, thank the Powers That Be, but I remember being her. I gravitate to her old habits when I experience a room full of people I barely know, habits I've spent so long trying to fight. If I could just tell my brain that the person I'm talking to doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo and would rather I just disappear, maybe it'd be easier. Maybe I wouldn't have to rebuild these walls I've been trying to break down for so long. I miss the people I knew, the ones I was sure accepted me for me (or, at least, sure enough). Sometimes I wish I'd never moved out here, and then I remind myself that they're mostly gone now, anyway. Or they've changed, and I've changed, and I don't know if I'd be comforted by them anymore. But maybe if I pretend like I'm okay enough, eventually I will be.
I was so almost there. Then I remembered; I realized who I really am.
Anyway. Fuck. Happy New Year.
Posted at 12:20 pm by FNInsomniac
Waiting for the bus, waiting for him/her to ask you out, waiting for your big break, waiting for someone to come sweep you off your feet and take you away from it all. There are a lot of things people wait for. Some things are necessary, because many things take time. But there are plenty of things one could do in the interim. Like living. There's so much life to live while your waiting for something to take place. And, who knows, maybe while your waiting to get married or waiting for the perfect job to come along, you'll realize that thing you've been waiting for is not what you want at all. Maybe while you're busy living and doing, you'll realize that what you're doing is actually what you want to do for the rest of your life. Or you'll finally see the path to the future you want, and you'll understand what it is you need to do to reach your goal. Because otherwise, you'll spend your whole life waiting. And one day you may wake up and discover your life has consisted of waiting to die.
So, what are you waiting for?
Posted at 11:12 am by FNInsomniac
There are a lot of things I don't like about our apartment. However, there are things to appreciate. Like one of my neighbors. I've never met her formally, but I have considered sticking my head out the door a few times to tell her she has one of the most awesome voices I've ever heard. She sings as she exits and enters the apartment structure, and her voice echoes throughout the courtyard with so much soul and power it makes me want to cry. It reminds me that, however harsh this city and its people can be, there is beauty in everyone. It's harder to see in some than in others, but there is something magnificent in this species that has brought about so much destruction and violence. It makes me think maybe I shouldn't hate myself so much for being born into this race.
I think I'm learning to be human again.
Posted at 09:53 pm by FNInsomniac
So the shit finally hit the fan. Well, no, I threw the shit at the fan so I could see where it ended up. Which, of course, was all over the place. But I'm still alive. We're both still alive. So what now?
Yes, I know I have to choose. And you know that's hard for me. Maybe that's my punishment, that I have to decide what I'm doing (when I don't really know what I want), and that I have to stick with what I decide. Because that's what adults do. Sometimes I feel like I've been acting like an adult for so long that I don't really know how to be one. I know that doesn't make sense. I suppose it means I'm still learning. I'm still trying to understand the way the world works. I claim to know better, and yet I fuck up anyway. Why? Morality becomes a shaky subject when you don't have a person or a book telling you what's right and wrong, what's good and evil. In throwing away religion, I've taken on the responsibility to make up what I think is right and wrong. I can't just go to someone for advice and follow their words blindly. I have to (gasp) think for myself. What have I done?
Okay, so I was never very good at following the rules, anyway. I'm okay at breaking them, but I excel at bending them. So even when I have people telling me what to do, it only does so much good. I'm a rebel at heart, really. I even rebel against myself at times. Which is pretty counter-productive when you think about it.
I claim to be so fucking logical. But lately my actions have not been dictated by logic, at least not any kind of logic that can be counted as 'sound.' I'm a little lost right now--lost my center, lost my balance, lost my footing. Lost myself. And I don't like who I've become. Yet I can never fully go back to who I was. That's what happens when I change. I have to find a balance again, because I really don't like where I'm headed right now as a person, but some of who I am will stay this way. This is just another step in my becoming the person I've always wanted to be, and though I've gotten a little out of hand this time, I'm keeping some of this. Because I hate taking backwards steps. We can only go forward from here.
Posted at 05:48 pm by FNInsomniac
(Desired) Occupation: Teacher
I've almost always had a plan for the future, some sort of direction I was shooting for. I've gone in and out of my 'wanting to be a singer' phases, whether it was a professional singer, a Broadway singer/actress, a singer/songwriter, an opera singer (yes, I considered that for a time), a singer in a band (kind of in that phase right now), etc. I wanted to be a novelist through most of elementary and middle school, until I found out that it's much harder for me to actually write an entire novel than I thought. I keep starting things I never finish, and it never sounds as good on paper as it does in my head. Through most of high-school and college I wanted to be a professional actress, specifically for stage. However, after graduating college and being in a few plays, I started thinking really hard about that. I realized that that's not really what I want to do. While I love performing and being on stage, I don't think I'd want to do it full-time. There's not enough me in it for me. While there is a lot of creativity that goes into portraying a character, the words are not my own, I don't have enough of an impact, and I'd be afraid of losing myself. Besides, I really, really hate the audition process. It is by and far my least favorite part about theatre. I considered being a professional theatre technician--since I love the technical side of theatre almost as much as the performance side--but again, not enough creativity for me. I know there are plenty of creative jobs in the technical theatre field, but they're not really my style. It's fun to do, but I wouldn't want to do it exclusively. Things like lighting design, scenic design, makeup design, etc. are really more on the visual side of art, and I consider myself more of a performance and literary artist. But I still have this passion for theatre--not just for acting or stage managing or designing, but for all of theatre. I knew I wanted to work in theatre somehow, I just wasn't sure how exactly.
So I thought about it--thought a lot about it--and I started considering teaching high-school theatre. I love learning about theatre, and I love talking about theatre. The next logical step seems to be teaching about theatre and theatre concepts. I decided that, although most of my theatre mentors were my teachers in community college, I don't necessarily want to teach college. I'm sure it'd be fun, and maybe I'll reconsider at some point. But I want to have an impact. I think high school is one of the most significant periods in a person's life in terms of developing one's personality, beliefs, views, etc. I know it was an incredibly significant time for me, as well as an extremely hard time for me. I was in and out of depression throughout high-school, I felt confused and volitile, I usually had several people I could talk to but didn't, or wasn't sure how. I didn't want to burden other people with my problems when they had so many of their own to deal with. Not to mention I was pretty quiet and struggled to break out of my shell throughout those four crazy years. Maybe as a teacher, I could help kids struggling their way to adulthood. Also, I've realized I love teenagers--not in a pervy way, mind you. I'm facinated by their rebelliousness, their curiosity, their development, their attitudes. Before I left my hometown, I worked at a high-school theatre for a few months, assisting with the technical theatre class. The kids were amazing. They were insane, confused, angry, and absolutely beautiful. I loved working with them and getting to know them, and I hated leaving them.
Besides having a job I love, there are the obvious benefits to being a teacher. I'd (theoretically) have enough time to work on music, I'd have enough money to support a family--I know I wouldn't exactly be rolling in dough, but that's not important to me. I'd gain experience and contacts for my Theatre Revolution--because I would totally get my students involved, if they're interested.
Now all I have to do is go back to school. Because that's always easy when one is poor and living in L.A. I've been looking into UCLA, figuring out the requirements and financial possibilities. My mom said she'd help me go back to school, and my step-mom said she'd help me with the financial aide paperwork. It'll take at least a year to put everything together, but then I will definitely be resident and I'll--hopefully--have time to pay off my credit cards by next fall (so I can start putting more on them when I'm a starving student). They don't accept a lot of out-of-state students, but I'm still going to try. Because I finally have a direction again, goddammit!
Posted at 03:39 pm by FNInsomniac
-The smell of rain in the desert
-Numerous friends, and being able to hang out with them whenever I had free time
-My mom's cooking on Sunday evenings
-The George, 5 and Diner, Rula Bula, Jutenhoops (gone, anyway)
-An actual fucking grid system and freeways that made sense
-Nai's place (minus the drama)
-Southwest Shakespeare, Westwood High School, Working at the Herberger, SCC, Durantcom.com
-Not feeling broke all the fucking time
-Being able to blow-dry my hair by rolling the window down
Yeah. Just feeling kind of home-sick right now.
Posted at 01:33 pm by FNInsomniac
E was my first. It was so beautiful, so wonderful. There were no bars to get in the way; just simple, easy, elegant. A was next--also wonderful, though A did not hold as much impact for me as E could. Their relative minors followed--O, how I love my minors! They present such soul, such depth. Then there was D and G, and then C (the order starts to get blurry here). I cheated with F; I couldn't help myself! It just made things so much easier. B was last--how I hated B for the longest time! It wasn't until recently that I stopped cursing B's existance. I've grown stronger, I think. I can handle B now.
But no matter how many I come to know, E will always be home to me. Whenever I get lost, whenever I start to doubt myself, I can always go back to E for comfort and support.
Posted at 04:53 pm by FNInsomniac
I'm so glad I have this handy
tendancy to think before I speak (when sober, that is). For
example, at my new job there was a doctor who said his expertise was
something like "rectal colonoscopy." My immediate thought was
'Oh, a butt doctor.' Luckily, I didn't say that out loud.
Posted at 10:41 am by FNInsomniac
Because you asked so sweetly, Ash...
If you can't tell, I've been rather 'bleh' lately. It's part of why I haven't been updating--I don't like complaining about my life in my blog. It just occurs to me as uninteresting to my readers and contrary to what I want this blog to be about. (Of course, sometimes things slip through the cracks, like my last entry.)
Everyone I know seems to be getting married in June (in different states, no less). This seems silly to me, though I partially understand the timing--many of them are students. What I don't understand is why are people who are still college students getting married? Again I ask, what is the rush?! A few of them are the 'abstinence before marriage' types (yes, I do have Christian friends. Many, in fact.) I think I've talked about my thoughts on this policy (coming to the conclusion that religion is leading to the downfall of American society). What freaks me out is all the people my age and younger who are getting married, having kids, etc. It makes me think of little kids playing house. But they're not playing--this is real life, and they are bringing real lives into the world.
I grew up in an unstable home. My parents married young--during college, I think. They had three kids before they decided they were incompatible. They grew up and grew apart. So, I may be kind of biased in my views. But, to look at it in a different light, I'm also living the consequences of a couple who married too young. Not only did I have an unstable childhood, but I have no idea what a stable home looks like (they split when I was a baby). I suppose I've glimpsed it, in friends' homes and such. But I've never lived it. I don't know how this will affect my future children (yes, I do plan on having children, though two's my limit.) I don't know how this will impact my future marriage (as I do plan to marry. Eventually. Very eventually.) It's obviously greatly affected my opinion of marriage, religion, family, etc. I am greatful my parent's didn't stay together--didn't try to stick it through 'for the kids,' or what-not. It would have made us more miserable in the end, I think. Divorce has become such a big part of my life and who I am. I suppose I might not be quite as strong and independent as I am today had my parents somehow been happy together. But I'm sure there are strong, independent people who come from stable, happy homes. Aren't there?
I think every child should have at least a chance at a cohesive family. Having a child should not be taken lightly. I mean, people have this amazing, god-like ability to bring new life into the world. The decision to have a child should be weighed with the responsibility of a god. I realize accidents happen, and they can sometimes be serendipidous. However, there are certain circumstances a child should not be forced into. While I highly doubt I would be able to get an abortion myself (as I tend to put more responsiblilty on myself than others, because, well, I'm the only person I can really control), I am pro-choice. I don't agree with people who use abortion regularly as a form of birth control (there are better, less extreme contraceptives), but I do think one should have the option to choose what happens to one's own body. There are some very good reasons for abortion, besides the health, rape, and/or incest arguments. The world is over-populated, for one; why bring an unwanted life into the world when there are already too many people to support? Also, while there are kids who are adopted into good environments, there are plenty who get sent from bad situation to bad situation. It just creates a vicious cycle of anger and depression.
I, of course, don't have all the answers. There are people who get married straight out of high-school and die happy and old together. There are people in awful circumstances who raise intelligent, joyful children. I just try to learn from what I experience and what I see. While I'm not afraid to take a chance, I tend to "fall to the obvious light," as A would say.
Posted at 02:12 pm by FNInsomniac